Single... only to a greater degree

If you are married you will probably follow this blog easily, nodding in agreement, and if you are not you will need to make a mental note, some of this information might really save you some time, confusion, and let's face it, pure frustration for lack of a better word.

When I first got married there were many mornings I would stare at my husband as if he were a total stranger thinking to myself, how well do I really know him? What don't I like about him? Is he really as great as I thought he was? Will he stay this person or become what every other husband seems to become over time? I remember thinking I could not explain this feeling to anyone, and nor should I. How would that sound? Not that I ever doubted my choice to marry the man I did, but the sheer nature of marriage itself. I did not realize until a few years later that this is a natural reaction to marriage and although not everyone talks about it, most have experienced this feeling at one time or another.

The truth is... marriage can be a very scary thing! We all think we know the person we have fallen in love with and I am lucky enough to say I was right about him, but the divorce rate in America would not be as high as it is if there were not many people out there who were not right about their instincts.

This topic is fresh on my mind, maybe because I watched Jim and Pam get married on The Office last night, or perhaps because one of my best friends will be getting married soon. Suddenly I have realized that it is very hard to tell looking from the outside in, and even from the inside, whether or not two people are meant for each other.

Why do people rush into marriage? Chris and I were together for 5 years before we got married. At the time it felt like an eternity and yet looking back I know I could have waited longer but felt an urgency to be married after I graduated from college. There seems to be a pressure on women to get married, be successful at a career, and have children. Could this be the reason for such a high rate of divorce? Are women blinded by these pressures and not clearly seeing love the way God intended for it to be?

I have come up with three hard and fast rules that I think would alleviate this blurred vision (let's assume a woman's perspective for illustration purposes)...

First, do you spend more than 10% of the time thinking about how you will get him to change what he is wearing, how he wears his hair, or how long he watches football on Sunday afternoons?

Second, do you find yourself gossiping to your mom about the things he does that really irritate you or upset you?

Third, do you tell him what he should do _____ (fill in the blank) that would really be good for him, such as go to the gym, read a book, call his brother?

I think these three things could tell you a lot about yourself, your relationship, and your true feelings about your partner. If you spend time critisizing him, in your mind you are unconsciously not happy with who he is. If you gossip to your mom about his bad traits, again your true feelings about him are not favorable because most people seek approval from their parents for the things in life that they really enjoy. Lastly, you are not his mother and if you find yourself trying to be then you are not with him for the right reasons, i.e. controlling him.

These are my personal opinions, and while they are not perfect, I have found them to be mostly accurate for each successful marriage that I have witnessed.

Bruce Fisher and Robert Alberti said the top reasons people get married in order are "1) to overcome loneliness, 2) to escape an unhappy parental home, 3) because they think that everyone is expected to marry, 4) because only "losers" who can't find someone to marry stay single, 5) out of a need to parent, or be parented by another person, 6) because they got pregnant, 7) because "we fell in love."

This may or may not be true but the fact that is sounds reasonable is what seems worriesome to me. My personal thoughts are that we must be careful, cautious, and slow to find our true love and not accept the first serious relationship we have as the one God intended for us to embrace.

What you are as a single person, you will be as a married person, only to a greater degree. Any negative character trait will be intensified in a marriage relationship, because you will feel free to let your guard down- that person has committed himself to you and you no longer have to worry about scaring him off. ~ Josh McDowell

Be who you are, say what you feel, and see everyone for who they want to be as God made them.